Half Baked Thoughts
I have a problem: I have a million ideas and thoughts floating around in my head that I want to talk about, but I have no way of getting them out properly. My ideas feel very half baked right now. I have four blog drafts that I started but haven't finished. One of them is actually, probably, most likely offensive - which I don't care if it is cause I am nothing if not super honest. But, for whatever reason, I cannot finish these musings. This is a new struggle for me! I don't know what to do! It's not that I have writers block, I have plenty to write about, it's just that for once, I can't get the words out of my head and onto this virtual paper.
Someone once told me to write everything out, every thought, feeling and idea I get because I am able to express myself clearly through writing whereas in speech, I cannot. I have a huge communication issue in that my mind moves faster than anything else, so I can't convey what I am thinking to someone in a conversation. I have been known to be in dialogue with someone and they ask me a question and I sit there for a long time trying to answer, but I can't. Lately, questions asked of me are coming in as colors in my head, and I don't actually know what was asked of me. That's a trip for sure!
The best way I can describe what happens in my head is that my throughs are a train, ripping through my mind at break-neck speeds and I have to try and reach out with my tiny hands and grab that train as it hurls by, and often times, I'm not fast enough and so the train continues on, without me getting what I needed from it. That sentence "I lost my train of thought" is LITERAL for me!
It's not that I can't answer you; it's just that my words in my head are much more detailed than what I might say out loud in the moment. If you were to ask me how I am feeling, in my head I get 45 descriptive words, 2 pictures, 4 art ideas to convey my feelings, 1 quote from someone I overheard, a wish for coffee, a song I want to hear, a dance move I used to do in ballet, probably an emoji, an idea on what I want to cook next and then I move on to you: what are you thinking right now? What are YOU feeling? Why are you asking? Cause you care? Cause you just want to know? Are you "just asking?" By the time this all floats through my head, I've either forgotten what you have asked me, or I don't have the brain power to work everything I just thought to tell you how I am feeling down to a sentence to answer you, and my words fail me and I end up saying something like "Fine." Or "great! I saw a cat today." When really, I'm exhausted, upset, utterly depressed and feel like no one listens to me. (Which, by the way is not true and I know this. I have people in my life who are willing to listen. I just can't always convey my thoughts.)
I'm a thinker, not a feeler, and often times, having to think about what I am "feeling" is exhausting cause I don't know how I am feeling.
Okay, now I don't know where I was going with this post.... sorry. Lost my train of thought.