Doubts, Fears and Apathy
Beyond Frustrated is how I am feeling at the moment; I had a beautiful, long and thought-out blog post and for whatever reason, the internet crashed and I lost my draft.
I didn't like that draft anyway.
I'm kidding. I did like it and I know for a fact I will not be able to replicate it in any form or fashion and I want to give up right now.
See, that ^^^ is NOT at all like normal Scout behavior. I have a problem and that problem is doubt, fear, anxiety and apathy. HELP.
I have been fretting lately over my time here in Seattle. Folks, I have been here 10 DAYS and I am already freaking out over what happens next for me. I have six months here, you would think I could slow down and maybe wait a little longer to worry about what I am going to be doing and where I will be mentally after these 6 months.
I have all these questions swimming in my head like the guppies in the fish tanks at the AR House such as:
"Is six months really enough time?"
"What if it is longer? What happens then?"
"What happens after Seattle?"
"What if I end up staying in Seattle, forever?"
"Where will I be in one year?"
"WHO will I be in one year?"
"Texas or Seattle?"
"What if I am supposed to move often? Will I still have friends and community?"
"How could my significant other possibly fit in with this lifestyle I am anticipating?"
"Will I ever not be broke?"
"Can anyone else even join me in this crazy life of continuous sacrificing of self?"
"Is it possible to starve here?"
"Will anyone ever hire me?"
I am struggling HARD CORE with doubts. When I doubt something, I am doubting God's goodness to me. I have been maximizing my issues and acting like God isn't big enough to take care of them. This is a bold faced LIE I am believing.
The story of how I ended up here in Seattle, 2,000 + miles from my hometown and all I have ever know; giving up so many good things like a job, housing, a church I loved, and known-ness is a masterpiece. An intricate web of tie-ins, connections, friends and a beautiful story of how God loves His children well.
Yet, I still doubt and fear lots of things.
Two things: 1) I am exhausting myself with my contentious spiral of unnecessary thoughts 2) I need to trust and believe that God will handle it.
I am grateful for a God who calls me out when I am doubting His goodness. He doesn't take offense or say "You are wrong. Stop, you dingus"
Instead, he lovingly calls me out in scripture, reminding me of who He is and who I am to him.
I'm praying a lot about this. I am praying that God, the maker of Heaven and earth, will give me His peace that passes understanding and that he would help my unbelieving and doubting heart to trust him.
If you are going through a season of doubt, let me know cause, this is easier when you talk it over and share with each other how God is working in you.
Yes, right now I am stressed out, and afraid of really dumb things, but God is working in me and I am going to be AWESOME when this is all through.