24 Hours in Seattle - Thoughts, Feelings Etc.
I've been here just over 24 hours.
Overwhelmed is putting how I feel it lightly.
I'm BEYOND overwhelmed; each of my five senses are firing rapidly. There are still lingering feelings of mourning what I left behind in Texas: friends, a church, family and a life in a city I knew and loved well, as well as newer feelings like excitement and an expectation for what is to come.
Here is what I am feeling:
I am feeling hopeful
I am hopeful of all that is to come - "My hope is built in nothing less, than Jesus' love and righteousness." I've been quoting that song to myself often in these 24 hours.
I'm feeling sad
I miss my family, friends and all that I left behind.
I am feeling sentimental
I keep seeing things that remind me of specific people. I saw a hand-made coloring book that made me think of Story. I saw a plant Danielle would want to raise and adopt like a stray dog. I see pets and think of Jackie saying how she knew she was going to have a good day when she saw a dog in the morning. I saw a gold dinosaur and thought of Anna, a painted dumpster make me think of Audra, toy taxidermy made me think of Christopher, Taco stands have me wishing I had a taco and Faith to share it with, and every cake, cupcake, or bakery place I see makes me think of Heidi and the Sugar Bee Team.
I'm feeling humbled
On my third day here, I was whacked down by the Holy Spirit with tons of convictions and things he was pointing out that we are going to be working on while I am here. I teared up and got overwhelmed. It's humbling to see a glimpse of all that I am going to get to work through while in Seattle. It will be VERY hard, but, I am continuously thankful for the Father's glorious grace to me.
Owning very, very little is humbling as well. I'm having to let people take care of me and love me in ways that I normally hate letting someone do. I like to be self-sufficient! I like to pretend I have everything under control. I'm definitely a fake-it-til-I-make-it kinda gal, and I can't fake it here. It's super obvious and letting people step in and care for me is a lesson I am having to learn.
You can join me in praying that I would willingly accept the love and care I am being offered instead of being offended by it.
I've essentially had to start over here. I came with my bible, clothing, a sketch book and laptop and that is about it.
I am having to form new relationships constantly and meet new people. Thankfully, this is not a hard thing for me, but, it is hard knowing that I will not be fully known here for awhile. I do desire that; to be fully known. However, it is humbling to know that no matter what, God fully knows me. He created me and He knows me better than anyone ever could. Relying on Him and taking comfort in His love is going to be something I get to be more aware of now that I don't have immediate love from people who are comfortable with me. This, again, is God's grace to me!
I'm feeling joy
A dear friend of mine took me around Seattle to get a crash-course on what there is here! I squealed with joy quite a bit during that time!
I got to see the bridge troll! This was something I had been looking forward to for MONTHS and that gave me MUCH joy!
All the art here brings me joy! There is more graffiti here than I ever knew was possible. I walk around thinking DUMPSTERS are beautiful! My prayer is that I never lose my sense of wonder for all the unique beauty that is around me!
I'm feeling disappointment
I have a new home now, and, with this new home comes many adjustments. I've been dealing with a lot of differences that I didn't think would effect me. Guess who was wrong about that? Me.
I'm learning that "different" is not "bad" and that comparison is poison.
My goal and hope is to use discernment and wisdom in each different situation I feel annoyed, shocked, or hurt by and then accepting the difference and move on.
Here is another disappointment I learned the hard way: "I have no expectations" is a complete and total lie.
There are always expectations whether or not you voice them. Turns out, I had exceptions and things didn't live up to that immediately. That was rough.
I'm feeling a lack of control
I have officially gone from the busiest person ever to not having anything to do and zero control over so many things:
• I don't know my area or this city yet and I am at the mercy of whomever I rode with or the bus schedule. I am unable to fully control my geographical movements quite yet. In time, I am sure this will happen, but for now, it feels like a road block.
• I don't know my housemates well yet. Eventually, they will feel like family, but that takes lots of getting to know them, time, effort and lots of trust. I cannot control how long it will take to know them well.
• I cannot control how this house I am living in "works." I am not the first to live in it, nor will I be the last. However, I can be flexible in my ways and offer lots of grace and forgiveness and help as often as I am able.
Lack of control in this situation is a good thing. Again, this brings me back to having to rely on other people to care for me, and, it causes utter dependance on God, which is where I should be anyway!
This has been a WILD 24 hours, my dear friends!
I am going to work hard at continuously updating you all on what is moving, going, happening, breathing, etc!